Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10
Have you ever been in a group of mom’s/friends and noticed they never stop talking? There is constant chatter and discussion about kids, motherhood, diapers, feeding, etc. There is the do-your-baby’s, the do-you-know-if’s, the have-you-experienced-this-or-that’s. I was with girlfriends a few weeks back, 3 of us each had a 2 year old and a baby under 2 months and one of us was pregnant with her fourth, and we talked constantly- non-stop for four hours. And you know what I took away from that beside the fact that I love those chicks- the fact that we clearly don’t get together enough, that we all needed a good mommy confessions.
In chapter two of the book Desperate, the title is “The Go-It-Alone Culture (On Needing People)”. There were a few things that stuck on in this chapter to me, aha moments where I saw myself staring back at me on the page.
My husband is busy. I don’t talk a whole lot about it or him on this blog really, but daily he has multiple things going on. As I type this he is in Los Angeles coaching a student at a track meet. There are time when I wish he would just stay home. Days when I wish he would hang out with me and the girls. Times when I feel lonely and frustrated and expect him to fill that void. Everytime something new comes up and he runs it across me, I hesitantly say “sure” because denying him to be as active as he wants would be keeping him from who he really is. He is busy, and he likes being busy, and honestly- when he is home, it’s hard for him to stay put which makes it not very fun for me if he is just wanting to go do something. Now, with that being said- he is very much involved when he is home, and he spends a lot of time with the girls and I… he just likes sports and plays A LOT of them and that’s ok… he works hard and deserves some play time.
All of that to say, there are times when he gets ready to leave for another sporting event and I start to resent him for being so busy. “Why doesn’t he want to spend time with me? I want to hang out with him. I need someone to talk to, I talk to a 2 year old all day long”. Hubby and I don’t really fight, but some of our major discussions have been over this struggle for time. I have found myself saying multiple times that he just gets to schedule whatever he wants without giving it a second thought because he knows I will be home with the girls. I don’t get to do that, I am the mom- I have to be the one who is always here. To which he will tell me to go out- go shopping- spend some time alone- and I come back with the fact that I don’t want to be alone.
While reading this chapter, I realized that this struggle wasn’t really about time, and really had nothing to do with hubby. I was simply craving relationships. Community. Fellowship. There is a part of this chapter where Sally talks about community. She states that God created us for community, accountability and close friendships. He created family so that no one would have to bare the burdens of life by themselves. Families were created with a host of people meant to help you get through life, support you, offer advice, and walk along side you. Women before today’s culture lived close by mom, grandma, aunt, or sister. They met daily; they were a stones throw away and they could get together and support each other always. Today’s culture is an isolationist culture. It emphasizes the mentality that we can and should be able to do it all without the help of anyone else… and sets us up for a lonely life that God never intended us to have. But as Sally also states, “Young moms were never meant to be without the advice and care of multiple women assisting them and advising them in their lives”.
We were meant to have relationships! There is a deep seeded want for that closeness of other women. But we try to go at it alone, thinking we can and should be able to do it all and do it all alone and we look for that lonely void to be filled by someone, often our husbands. This next quote really gave me an aha moment, “this deep need sometime puts pressure on our husbands to fulfill needs that they were never designed to fill. No matter how wonderful a man may be, he is not crafted by God to meet all of a woman’s needs.”
No matter how wonderful our husbands may be, and believe me I have one of the best, he was not created to fulfill that need for women in my life, and I can’t put that pressure on him. It has to come from other women, and I have to allow and seek those friendships in my life. I have been blessed with a mother, sisters, aunts, cousins and a few close friends that I can reach out to, but I still think I need to work specifically on connecting with other mommies- not only for myself but to be able to give new mommies someone to relate to as well.